Does love exist? Is this something we make? Is this something we create? Or is this something we imagine? Love can't be seen, felt or examined. We think we feel love or see love etc, but do we? Or is this just a coping mechanism we have taken up in order to feel less empty?
God loves us, but is there any other love in this world? Maybe this is just the anit-depresants talking, lol apperantly in a negative way, but what the hell is love?
I think it is something sentationalized, I think it's something we create to fill an empty space. What happens if you can't fill that space? You expect God to fill it but yet the emptiness is still there, so now what?
We write bools on hearing God, and feeling God, and experiencing God, but what if we never do?
Granted I am only 21.56 years old, and it would appear I have about 60 or so years left on earth, but what is there to explain this emptiness.
I sat at the Last Bash event by myself. Freaking out that people would see me at a social event by myself. The reality is that people do recognize me, post running for prez. I guess that's the mess I created when I decided to run for something I maybe shouldn't have... Coming in fifth place and only recieving 154 votes in a school of almost 6000 undergrads sucks. Maybe I haven't accepted that pain yet...
I think to moments like off getting out of the van at Soqual Ranch at the end of walkabout. I literally started tearing up due to the fact that people were so excited for me, so proud of me, and so truly wanted to celebrate with me.
And both times the Argentines left at the end of SUPP, literally balling on my shoulders. Wet shoulders, that is a wonderful feeling. How can there be such intensly loving moments like this in life and others that just feel so incredibly lonely. So so so lonely.
God is in these moments, but what is there for me to learn in these moments? That I am strong enough to be on my own? That God is what should be filling me up? That I am being dramatic and I need to calm down? Maybe all these things...
The reality is that it is the last Friday night of the school year and I am literally sitting alone in my mod writting this and listening to sad songs to try and cry to just get it out and move on.
"I've heard it said that people come into your life for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we led to those who help us most to grow, if we let them, and we help them in return."
So now what. My parents have already dropped $120,000 for me to be here and I sit here alone on the LAST friday night of the school year.
Guilt is obviously apart of this, like I failed them. I don't know how to, well I'm not sure.
Obviously this is rambeling.
Pride comes before the fall. So now what?
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